A few weeks back, I had the opportunity to photograph the Pools movie premiere in New York and spend some time with director Sam Hayes.
On paper, it was one of those nights that looks great online: cool movie, cool people, me pretending I totally belong there (camera helps).
The film follows a character, played by Odessa A’zion, who isn’t quite sure what comes next in her life, all while navigating grief. That uncertainty (quiet, unresolved, lingering) ended up sticking with me more than I expected.
I haven’t had to experience the loss of someone extremely close to me (the loss of my beautiful aunt a few years ago notwithstanding), but I have had to sit with a different kind of grief: the life you could’ve lived. I had two real chances to move to LA because I worked at a movie studio. Both times, I paused. For reasons I won’t unpack here, but decisions like that don’t disappear just because you made them thoughtfully.
Working in social media doesn’t exactly help. You’re constantly surrounded by other people’s “next chapters” whether it’s new jobs, big moves, bold announcements and it’s all served to you in perfectly cropped squares. It’s very easy to both find yourself and lose yourself in the scroll. Comparison is kind of baked into the job description.
So there I was, photographing a premiere about uncertainty, while quietly wondering what my own next step looks like. Which feels a little on-the-nose, but also very human. I love what I do. I’m grateful for the rooms I get to be in. I just don’t always know where they’re leading.
Maybe that’s okay. Maybe not knowing is part of it. Or maybe this is just me romanticizing mild existential dread because I was standing in a cool cinema in NYC.
Either way, the photos turned out great. And for now, that counts. During the premiere at the Roxy Cinema in New York we happened to jump into a limo, where I took a few photos of Sam’s group on 250D and my SF20 flash.